On Shepherding A Child's Heart (Ch 7)

Biblical methods of parenting are the only ones that will bring glory to God. The book takes a look at current unbiblical methods including…

1. I Didn’t Turn Out So Bad
Basically, the idea that I turned out okay the way my parents raised me so I will just do what they did regardless of it is biblical or not.

2. Pop Psychology
An example of this would be encouraging your child to do the behaviors you want by bribery or making a contract (I’ll do this if you do this). This only deals with the behavior, not the heart.

Bribery latches on to evil in the child’s heart and uses it as motivation. The child is not taught to look out for the interest of others. The child learns nothing about being under authority because God is God and the parent is his agent. (Tripp 61)

3. Behavior Modification
This is basically rewarding a child for being “good”. Since children behave out of the inclination of the heart, their heart is trained to be greedy and desire rewards. This can also lead a child to do the “right” thing with wrong motives and usually minimal effort.

But doesn’t God reward and honor those who honor him? Yes, he does and God also looks at the motives of our heart. We cannot honor God with actions if our heart is far from him. Our motivation is not a reward, but the glory of God.

4. Emotionalism
This deals with the emotional well-being of the child. It plays on the child’s emotions like fear, isolation, or shame. The book gives an example of a girl whose is placed in a chair alone when she misbehaves. No one is allowed to talk to her for a certain period of time. When asked what makes her sadder than anything she said that she is saddest when she sits in the chair and her father is home but won’t talk to her. She is being trained to fear isolation which may lead to her having a lifelong desire to please her parents so that they will acknowledge her or isolate herself further to keep from getting hurt.

5. Punitive Correction
Using the threat of punishment to achieve a certain behavior out of anger or irritation is punitive correction. One example the book talks about is grounding. The problem is that grounding does not address any of the issues that caused the behavior it is just a punishment.

Grounding is not designed to do something for the child; it is designed to do something against him. Tripp 64

6. Erratic Eclecticism
This is an inconsistent approach to parenting; drawing from many different methods whenever it feels like a good time to use it. Parents will try one method for awhile, and if it doesn’t seem to work then they try something different. This can be confusing and frustrating for children because they do not know what to expect from their parents.


All of these methods deal with behavior and not the heart. When parents deal with the heart, the behavior will reflect that. If we as parents only focus on changing the behavior without dealing with the heart we are raising children who will not understand the motivation for their behavior, the Glory of God. Instead the heart may be trained for reward or approval.

When experts tell you that you must find what works with each child, they are saying you must find the idols of the heart that will move each child. Tripp 66

Sometimes it seems so easy to use some of these unbiblical methods (especially bribery), but I am now starting to see that it is not worth it. My children are worth more to me than just trying to correct their behavior for my convenience. If I really love them and love God I will instruct my children in the way of the Lord. Will you do it with me?

On Shepherding a Child's Heart (Ch 6)

So, chapter 5 was convicting and led to a lot of thought and prayer; which is always good. Basically there are a lot of things that Jon and I need to look at and evaluate as we strive to raise our children in a way that glorifies God. What are our motives for the things we do? Do we put too much focus on material things? Do we fill our child with distractions from God for our own convenience? See previous post for more insight.

Many of the unbiblical goals mentioned in chapter 5 are easily transformed into biblical goals when the aim and focus is to glorify God and not build a child’s self-esteem or push them toward perfectionism. For example, activities, such as dance, baseball, basketball, music, are excellent ways for your children to learn to glorify God with their talents and be good stewards of their bodies, as well as minister to new people they meet. There is a great dance studio in our town called Compass Dance Academy. Here is the description from their website…

Compass Dance Academy trains dancers of all ages in a joyous atmosphere where excellence is modeled through grace and encouragement, not fear and perfectionism. Our vision is to mentor each dancer to reach their full God given potential and release them to use their gift locally and around the world.

My daughter Riley LOVES to dance and I am planning on getting her dance lessons at this studio for her third birthday!! I am excited and although I will probably pass a couple of other dance academies along the way I believe it is worth the trip!

Our biblical goal for salvation should be one that doesn’t require our children to trust God once, but shepherds them into trusting God on a daily basis. Our lives and the way we parent must reflect that; again more insight on this in the previous post.

I have often wondered if teaching my child to have good manners is important. I think it is nice, but is it biblical? The book offers some good insight into this matter. If you read Philippians 2 you will see the importance of putting others interests before your own and that we should do nothing out of selfish ambition. Manners also express your consideration of those around you and respect for authority.

When saying “please” and “thank you” are rooted in what it means to look out for the interests of others, they become expressions of biblical love. Tripp 54

A good education…sounds like a good goal. I believe that we should make every effort to provide a good education for our children and teach them the importance of diligent, hard work. Some children do not have to work hard to get all A’s and some children work very hard to get a C. The importance is not what the report card says, but the honest effort put forth.

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. Colossians 3:23-24

So we make every effort to glorify God in all that we do.

So, whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. 1 Corinthians 10:31

Tough Question for Thought: What are some subtle ways you are tempted to teach your children to function in the society on its terms?

Shepherding a Child's Heart (Chapter 5ish)

We all have goals for our children and they are often reflected in how we treat them. We want our children to be successful. There can be different definitions of success leading to different methods of attempting to achieve success. So we set goals. These are things we may have consciously decided or unconsciously carry out.

The book discusses different unbiblical goals like “developing special skills” (like sports, music lessons…). Now, of course you can use special skills to serve the Lord, but if the aim of the special skill is to glorify the child or parent, it is unbiblical. Another unbiblical method of preparing your child for success is “psychological adjustment”. Using the latest pop psychology to increase your child’s self-esteem or teaching them how to “be effective with people”. Not all pop psychology is bad, but we should always ask if it is biblical.

How can you teach your children to function in God’s kingdom, where it is the servant who leads, if you teach them how to make the people in their world serve them? (Tripp 41)

Sometimes parents will think that if their child “gets saved” then all of their problems will go away. Oftentimes a parent’s objective is to get their child to pray the “prayer of salvation” not realizing that whether your child is saved or not has nothing to do with raising your child. Salvation comes from the Lord and we should be careful not to deceive a child into thinking they are saved, but shepherd a child on their journey toward Christ. Obviously salvation is a wonderful thing and not to be taken lightly. Such an important decision between your child and the King of the Universe is something all followers of Christ hope for and rightly so, but we know that it is just that, a decision between your child and God. When we allow God to do a work in our children it becomes a decision they can be confident in. Thank the Lord that he uses us as parents to prepare the hearts of our children for this decision.

There are a few other nonbiblical goals discussed in the book and I will get to them in another post. So let’s just get to the biblical goal…

BIBLICAL GOAL: “Glorify God and enjoy him forever”

Why is this so difficult…
We pander to their desires and wishes. We teach them to find their souls delight in going places and doing things. We attempt to satisfy their lust for excitement. We fill their young lives with distractions from God. We give them material things and take delight in their delight in possessions. Then we hope that somewhere down the line they will see that a life worth living is found only in knowing and serving God. (Tripp 45)

I read this and immediately said “ouch”. I am soooo guilty of that. I feel sick. I need to pray. I will finish this post later.

On Shepherding A Child's Heart (3 &4)...

We are either worshipers of God or idols. So, by faith we will worship God or we will suppress the truth in unrighteousness (Romans 1).

Even as a young child, he is either worshiping and serving God or idols. (Tripp 20)

It comes down to, once again, the matter of their heart. We are all born sinners (Psalm 58:3, Psalm 51:5) and our children will sin by choosing a path away from God, or they will choose to follow him. This is usually expressed in their behavior. They are not acting the way they are simply because they are immature, but because it is in their nature to sin and need guidance and instruction to orient their worship to God and not idols. So children will react to their experiences in a way that points to God or out of unbelief.

He is either worshiping and serving and growing in understanding of the implications of who God is, or he is seeking to make sense of life without a relationship with God. (Tripp 21)

Our children are God’s creation. Satan is always seeking to destroy what God has created. I love that Tripp calls the child’s heart “the world’s smallest battlefield”. It would be ignorant of us to believe that there is not a spiritual battle raging in the hearts of our children and God has placed us in their lives to help and instruct our children in a way to overcome the enemy. Are you willing to fight for it? I am, let’s do it together.

Whenever we attack the enemy we do it under the authority of God. We, as parents, have authority over our children on behalf of God! It is important for parents to understand the authority given to them, so that our children know what to expect from us. This is not a forceful, overbearing authority, but one that loves and produces freedom in Christ. Modern day parenting encourages allowing children to be free to make their own decisions and be independent-thinkers. I also want to have children who can make their own decisions and think independently, but I do not think it is the result of letting them do these things as a child. Freedom is found in obedience (Psalm119:44-45) and my children will learn how to make good decisions by seeing me make good decisions. If I let my 3-year old decide what she wanted for breakfast each morning, it would be candies or cookies. If I let her decide like this she will more than likely choose what she wants at the time and what is easy. She would become frustrated as she grew up facing situations where she doesn’t get to make the decision or cannot get what she wants. She is now bound by selfishness. There is no freedom in that. She must learn to be a wise decision maker by how I make wise decisions and love her.

Our aim in parenting is to please the Lord, not for our children to please us. Just as Abraham did in Genesis 18:19.

You and your children are in the same boat. You are both under God’s authority. You have different roles, but the same master. (Tripp 29)

Because we discipline on God’s behalf we are required to correct and instruct so that we are obedient to God. Which, once again, we can find freedom in obedience because we are not acting in our will, but God’s will.

So our correction must not come from irritation or embarrassment, but by an inclination to obey God and instruct on HIS behalf which includes “pointing them to the mercy and grace of God shown in Christ’s life and death for sinners.” There is no place for anger (James 1:19-20). Anger only clouds what we are trying to point our children to…God, and often leads to manipulation of discipline (our kids obey because they are scared of us getting angry, not because it is right). If we are correct in our discipline our children will begin to learn that discipline brings understanding and will be more apt to receive it from anyone (Proverbs 15:32). Doesn’t that sound good?! God disciplines those he loves and that should lead us to discipline the ones we love because we know (as God does) that it brings about restoration of the heart.

Every night I pray that God would give me wisdom and discernment as I raise my kids. I need all the help I can get.

What are some things we can do to keep our discipline focused on turning our children to the paths of life? (taken from Shepherding a Child’s Heart Chapter 4 Discussion Questions)

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Living it Out...

I had an interesting experience with Riley today. She pushed me. She was somewhat playing around, but it got out of hand. She knows that she is not supposed to push. I reminded her and said “Remember when you disobey, Mommy has to give you a spanking”. She got a spanking and then I explained to her that as God’s children we are to love one another and not cause harm to one another. She said “I don’t want to love one another”. I had the opportunity to explain that our flesh does not want to love most of the time and we want to be selfish, but we can pray and ask God to change our hearts. I asked Riley if she would like to pray and she said “yes”. I think if she said “no” we would have prayed anyway. We prayed that God would change our hearts and we would see people the way he sees them and treat them in a loving way. I feel like before reading this book I would have just spanked her and said “you have to obey mommy!”. This turned out to be a great experience for Riley and me.

On Shepherding A Child's Heart (Ch 1 and 2)...

I love how this book breaks down biblical truths and applies it to how we raise our children! I am trying to ingrain in my head that my child’s behavior results from an overflow of the heart; as a matter of fact all of our behaviors are simply the overflow of the heart. So you literally must get to the heart of the matter!

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Proverbs 4:23

As water reflects a man’s face, so a man’s heart reflects the man. Proverbs 27:19

God does not look on outward appearances, but he looks at our heart. (1 Samuel 16:7) The book discusses how Jesus felt about the Pharisees who honored God with their lips, but hearts were far from them, and it wasn’t good. So, we as parents must learn how to get to the heart of the behavior. What is causing the behavior? Figure it out and then instruct from that issue, not the behavior. Unfortunately the book does not list every example that you will encounter, and it would be almost impossible to do this in that the reason a child does something is different from another child. Their hearts are different, but many of the basic principals are the same and in Chapter 2 you begin to learn what things shape a child’s heart and therefore behavior as they grow up. These life experiences effect the way a child responds to circumstances in the future.

Shaping influences are those events and circumstances in a child’s developmental years that prove to be catalyst for making him the person he is. (Tripp 10)

There are 6 different shaping influences discussed and are all things that make up family life, but it brought up a very important point at the end of the chapter dealing with mistakes we make in understanding shaping influences. One of them being the idea that your child is unaffected by their early childhood experiences; which to me was obvious, but important to note. The other is the idea that if you do everything humanly possible to control the shaping influence and shelter your child that you will have a golden child; the book calls this determinism.

Your children are responsible for the way they respond to your parenting (Tripp 16)

I have to understand that if I read all of the right books and do everything in my power to raise my children right in the eyes of the Lord, they may never choose to follow Him. Does this stop me from praying for my kids every night that their eyes would be open to the gospel and that the Lord would give them an understanding of His truth…I will NEVER stop praying that and my hope is that they will follow the Lord faithfully. Even more so I want God to be glorified in my family and I trust Him.

Chapter 2 also points you to great scripture that is necessary for biblical child rearing and I recommend reading all them; Deuteronomy 6, Ephesians 6, and Colossians 3.

In other news we have had a few "snow days" (more like ice days), but we made the most of it.


Then Riley watched Sleeping Beauty and became one herself...


Discussion Question: Why do we tend to simply correct behavior instead of getting to heart of the issue?

Mandy

On Shepherding A Child's Heart (Intro)...

I have started reading Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Tedd Tripp. I figured I would blog about every couple chapters about what God is teaching me as I read. After reading the first two chapters I am really excited about learning how to not simply correct behaviors but help God shape and mold my child’s heart in a way that would be pleasing to Him. This book is based on biblical truths and focuses on the heart.

I love in the preface when he mentions that as parents we are to display the Glory of God. This is huge! It reminds me of a sermon of John Pipers in which he states that before our children know God, we must be God to our children. Big responsibility right…I do believe it is the biggest. When I first heard that I thought it was absurd. How can a sinner like me be GOD to my child. Obviously we can’t literally be God, but we have the responsibility to be a loving and just ruler over our children until one day they follow a new…and much improved ruler…the God of this universe. We ultimately decide what is right and wrong and implement the punishment we deem appropriate (we are the authority). We need God’s guidance and help to make the right decisions and instruct in the right way.

There are a few places in the bible where God instructs children to obey their parents (Eph. 6:1-2 and Col. 3:20). God wants them to do it so I want to make sure that I, as a parent, instruct them in the way of the Lord.

You must direct your children on God’s behalf for their good. (Tripp xix)

The introduction also introduces “the parenting task” which includes authority, shepherding, the centrality of the gospel, internalization of the gospel, and mutuality as people under God.

In a sense I am overwhelmed because I feel so weak. I am always encouraged by 2 Corinthians 12:9-10…

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why for Christ sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

So as I raise and discipline my children and face moments of hardship or difficulties I will remember this and if there is anything good in me it is Christ. May our boast be in Him.

Mandy

Always Good for a Laugh...

Jeremiah will make you smile today!

I heart my kids...

Thank you God

For Blessing Me...

Also...cousin number 3 is on her way! We are praying for you Taylor Faith and Ashley!

A Reminder Not to Forget...

What the world seems to forget

We will not forget,

Who you are and what you’ve done for us.

-Jesus Culture

God amazes me. I can’t believe I doubt him. Sometimes I forget about how good He is and what He has done for me and my family. Never once has he failed us and not only has he not failed us he has been so gracious to us. There are times when I think that we will not be able to afford groceries or gas and then Jon will get to play unexpected Sunday or we get a gift card. Every time. I almost cry thinking about it because I can get so frustrated about our financial situation sometimes and then I think about the Lord and how good He is and I know that he loves us. Even if we lost our house and couldn’t buy groceries, we have Him…what a gift. What a gift. So I love that Jesus Culture song quoted above. It reminds me to not forget. Jesus Culture is my jam right now, and by jam it means what I rock out to while the kids are asleep and I am cleaning the kitchen. That's right I have some of my most intimate worship time cleaning the kitchen (and can you believe that I initially spelled cleaning with a "K"....kleaning...really, Mandy...).